In most cultures alcohol is an integral part of the traditions shared amongst them. Most cultures anyway. There are some that exclude alcohol from their lives, and its been thoroughly documented that they are just sad, angry and explosively bitter over it. 

     How kids are first exposed to alcohol and raised into their respective alcohol consuming society can play a big part in shaping their adult lives, behaviors, personalities and socio-economic status in adulthood.

     I was first exposed to alcohol at a christening around the age of 10. Wine was on the table (as always). i asked for a sip and went on to sneak down 3 small glasses of wine.  Then, some time after, a few beers here and there and maybe a couple of Calvin Coolers after school (wine coolers are just one of many reasons the 80s sucked). Finally, my first hangover was achieved at the age of about 16 after half a bottle of Jack Daniels. Drinking and playing primitive games on the Commodore 64 was a more commonly practiced release for a teenager than re-enacting a coup d’etat against defenseless school children; at least during those years. 

     Fast forward through the drunken blur that was college and eventually I grew up to be a fairly responsible, working and contributing member of society that still enjoys a bit of alcohol. Its not a drug I abuse. Its simply something I need almost daily to regulate my blood alcohol levels and to avoid murdering, or even worse, hurting the feelings of some people; mostly the stupid ones.  

    Various studies have been conducted through the years that evaluated how young adults/teens are first exposed to alcohol, and to what types of alcohol, and that effect on their adulthood. I need not remind you that this is 2015, aka the internet/social media age.  As such, I need not disclose my sources, just rest assured its on the internet and therefore its to be valued as fact.  

     The first group. Children raised on cheap beer and cheap beer only. At a young age, any beer will do. However, what you’re exposed to and have access to is what you’ll end up drinking. Such kids, studies have found, tend to grow up to most commonly become day laborers. A high percentage of them (highest among the groups studied) are heroin junkies loitering outside meth clinics and pharmacies. This is also a testament to the success of the Anheuser Busch marketing campaigns through the years: “Drink shit and be proud, you, redneck shits”.   The small percentage that didn’t end up as junkies, or low level blue collar grunts, grew up to be the most successful of all the groups studied. This is theorized to be due to actually appreciating anything you did get in life and working hard to get more of it.    

     The next test group consisted of kids exposed to a wider array of beers and wines and the occasional leftover bottle of Wild Turkey or the such. This turned out to be the middle class of society, if you will. No greater than 18% of this group ended up belonging to any one particular socio-economic group of adults. This basically concludes that this is the best way to raise a child. Give them access to the booze and cross your fingers.  

     The last group of young adults studied were the ones that were first exposed to alcohol at a later age. Not only at a later age but their first experience was typically a mimosa or a Grand Marnier in a snifter at a country club or a 30 yr old scotch at a poem reading. These young adults almost exclusively grew up to be pompous, elitist, deuchebags that never appriated anything ever given to them. The lot of them usually burned through their inherited fortunes, contributing to society nothing more than a market for hairpieces and plastic surgery. The closest analogy I can think of is this: if the first baseball game you ever went to, you were in the first row behind first base and you thought shaking hands with all the players and being handed foul balls was the norm, you’ll have a very hard time adjusting to the real world of being in section 515 overlooking a stadium helipad. Having only been exposed to nose bleed seats I appreciated when I was finally handed field level box seats (I still can’t afford them). The downside was I had to sit in a section filled with Chads and Bradleys demanding organic duck fat butter for their popcorn and Chimay beer served in a matching stein.  

     Weekend rolls in and its ON, baby.  We kind of, sort of, almost watched our diet aaaaaaall week and now its ON!  Lets not waste any time, its Friday night, I mean it IS Friday, right? We’ve deemed it to be grander than the holiest of holidays.  And we celebrate it like so, each and every week.  Fuck cooking at home, we did that shit this week already, all week. Okay, maybe twice but it was a busy week.   I say we round up the family because we’re feasting tonight!  We have no bills, we have no worries, we have no care in the world because its the weekend!  Local pizzeria, Red lobster, TGIFs, and Applebee’s, thats for the common folk.  But for us, its nothing but the fanciest, latest yelp sensation, talk of the water cooler, some famous twat ate there, kind of joint. Besides, we worked hard all week.  Well, exceptMonday when we went in late, or Thursday when we worked from home and caught up on DVRed TMZ episodes.  Still we earned this, and the big boy brunch on Saturday that we’ve been planning all month.

     Rolling into Saturday afternoon, its BBQ TIME!  Its been a long winter; almost feels like we were in communist Siberia. Except for a few scattered sparse events to celebrate along the way, we barely did ANYTHING all winter.  Take away our Disney trip, a week and half long gorgathon for Christmas and New Years, a five day glutunous splurge starting with the Wednesday before Thanksgiving we did nothing near celebrating and letting ourselves enjoy some treats we randomly enjoy.  How can any sane person argue with overindulging on Christmas.   Christmas is  about Jesus, love, sharing, cards, extorted gifting and treating ourselves to tons of food, candy, dessert and drinks while in the company of our loved ones and our in-laws.  Just once a year.  Other one  day events and shakedown gimmicks like valentines day, mothers day, our anniversary, 4 snow days, 5 sick days, 14 birthday parties, 4 weddings, 3 christenings, a Halloween party, 2 state fairs, a karate school yellow belt ceremony, 3 recitals and 40 or so family get togethers, we really didnt over eat any other time, ever.   Easter doesnt count; its the one other time a year we treat ourselves all week long. Besides, we own a treatmill and have gym memberships, and those are always paid diligently, and on time, with the utmost discipline.

     We’re always so hyperconscious of what we eat, but this Saturday afternoon’s BBQ its no holds barred.  We rarely enjoy hot dogs, burgers, kilbasa and ribs.  Its even rarer that we have 3 servings of each.  So its ON.  Besides, there is softball practice Sunday  morning and there is something traditional about baseball and non athletic athletes.  The dozen donuts at the field that everyone brings are just a quick bite to eat, 6 of. Sunday afternoon we kind of had no choice but to grab a bite on the run as we spent the entire day at the mall (necessities: shoes of every style and in every color, for everyone), bounce U ( a rare treat for our deprived children), and then Carvel, because we had a coupon.

     I know i know, it might be over the top, but it was the first nice weekend in a while, and its not like all of June, July and August is coming up.  Doubt we’ll do this every weekend, on Fourth of July, on Labor Day or every sunny weekday in between.   Besides, Christmas seems so far away.