Summer is on the way and most people lucky enough to have a bit of outdoor space take this time to look for outdoor furniture sales. I couldn’t be happier than when I scored adirondack styled chairs for about 15 bucks each from a big box retailer. Boring job that i have, this happened to be the water cooler topic when my cardigan wearing co-worker walked in. Before he had the opportunity to unload his vintage leather satchel he was beginning to frown and nervously stroke his sculptured face pubes. Acknowledging the gravely unethical nature of my actions he offered for me to consider his “Loll” adirondack chairs. Beaming with a sense of unexplainable pride he went on to explain how Loll chairs are made from repurposed milk jugs (I looked it up, he wasn’t kidding). Five hundred dollars a chair was a small price to pay for the opportunity to support small local business while minimizing his carbon imprint on the planet. Besides, each chair came with its own bottle opener as added value. Libtards do not care much for added work I thought, so this perk seemed to fit the product. Besides I couldn’t imagine his buttermilkish hands ever prying off even a twist off cap. He wasnt done there. Clearly he mistook my shock for awe and he went on to boast about his 4,500 dollar platform bed, made from humanely forested woods harvested exclusively by illegal undocumented aliens that were paid $20 an hour above the minimum wage. This was the reason, he explained, it took 28 months to build such a masterpiece as the company can only afford to pay them 12 hrs a week at those rates.      “You fucktard hypocrite” were the words I heard come out of my mouth while I was still in the process of formulating my rebuttal. My response was a not so polite version of the following: What was the last time you turned off the light when you left a room. Any room, including the shitter at work? The hallway light when you’re the last to leave the office? Maybe even the light in the shower stall at the gym as you prance back to your locker. Perhaps be as bold as shutting off the god damned fucking tv when you’re not watching your CNN propaganda. Practice any of those habits and you’ve just done more for the environment than gifting 500 bucks per chair to some genius capitalizing on idiots like you. I mean you thought it wise to pay 500 bucks for a single fucking chair.  That alone speaks volumes for your not so mainstream “intellect”.  If you’re really that passionate about minimizing your carbon imprint I have a suggestion for you. Walk down any Brooklyn street on garbage day, find a minimally stained couch and lay claim to it. Of course this won’t fit on the city bus, the subway, in your mother’s whiney 1.2 cylinder Prius, nor can you drag him home behind your Vespa. So, go on and whatsapp some of your similarly bearded hipster friends and maybe they can help you carry it home. That might not be a successful solution though, as I doubt any of them have ever done an ounce of manual labor during their pathetic existence. Next time you’re sipping your Appalachian rain barrel water microbrew and discussing the latest in PETA approved beard dyes with your cuntrag friends, take a moment to weigh the carbon imprint of a manufactured/stored/shipped product (regardless what its made from) versus outright used furniture. Still concerned about leaving a carbon imprint on the environment? Catch a flight to Syria and try to freely share your politics there; your casket wont cost a fraction of your Loll chair.